This e-mail
just came to Curtis Birch Global Headquarters from an
anonymous man.
After the
document was analyzed by two renowned Yemeni linguists,
we are nearly certain that the letter was written by Curtis
Birch himself. Could it be that our greatest hope has
been answered? That Curtis Birch is alive, well and thinks
his name is Burgess Meredith Baxter Weekend-at-Birney?
Date:
Thu, 09 Jan 2003 16:13:37 -0500
To: richardy@curtisbirch.com
Subject: Restaurateur
Can't seem to locate numbers for you so will resort to
information super highway. What the fuck is up? Have had
many new developments. Firstly, I have been elected President
of the United States of America. You will now address
me as Mr. President or face the wrath of the secret service.
(As an interesting aside, my core of nubile young interns
and vixens is known as "the secret cervix")
I
am also the first man in space. All previous documentations
of space exploration were false. I have constructed the
first true spacecraft with designs I stole from the Star
Wars website. I have also married. My wife has had a bit
of a checkered past which was unfortunately made very
public by the ravenous members of the media.
You
know her as Leona Helmsley, to me she's just "Monkey
Pooper".
Fear not, for all those months I spent in the Lab I set
up in an abandoned Long John Silver's have paid off. Tomorrow
I will unveil my recipe for the cure for athlete's foot
and jock itch. Its elementary, really. You just take a
small metal straw about eighteen inches long and suck
out the sweat glands from your feet and groin. Its constantly
and repeatedly amazing to me the things people DON'T think
about while they busy their minds in the pursuit of fashion.
Anywho,
I hope you are well and that your family is well as well.
Well, I seem to have fallen down a well. Please sing songs
in my honor until such a time as I may be rescued. One
more thing...Arbor Day is coming up and since you forgot
the last two years running I'll remind you a final time
not to send PAPER GREETING CARDS wishing me a happy and
joyous Arbor day. When you do that its as though your
missing the whole point of the holiday.
Been
too long, Bro, drop me a line or something.
Burgess
Meredith Baxter Weekend-at-Birney
